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The Art & Science of Being Self Confident without Being Self-Absorbed
January 21, 2008
By Raymond J. Arroyo
 

The beginning of a strong network begins with one individual: namely you. This column is dedicated to this idea; it provides tips on how to help you recognize areas that you may want to change and how to discover a better you.

Let’s start with a question: Do you like yourself?  If you are confident in your abilities, both in the traditional measures of intelligence and in your emotional  intelligence, and have an ample and healthy supply of optimism you will be poised for success and are likely to possess a high quality of life. You are more likely than others to attract members to your network who want to be associated with you – especially when sprinkled with charisma and good humor.

As best-selling author Daniel Goleman states in “Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationship” emotions are contagious, and “spread like wild fires.” If you continually show a positive disposition while maintaining a sense of confidence and perseverance, and surround yourself with the finest people on the planet, you are on your way to success.

To achieve self confidence it is important to understand the perfect balance and avoid becoming self absorbed or gaining misperceptions of self grandeur. I have described below general categories where achieving balance should be the goal.

It is important to note how easy it is to slip from the center. Once you’ve achieved the balance there is no guarantee that you’ll stay there; you must remain vigilant without repose if you want to stay centered.

If you lack self-confidence and optimism it will more difficult to build a strong network. Here’re some ideas or reminders that are easy to inject into your life:

• Find time to read non-fiction books, whatever your preference.

• Practice something that you already do well and become the best you can be; practice also something that you have not yet mastered. 

• Volunteer for a challenging work assignment and execute well.

• Ask for feedback and take it, without excuses.

• Travel the world, either literally or virtually. Learn from other cultures.

• Don’t be embarrassed to say “I don’t know.”

• Become an active listener.

• Be a better friend.

• Your children need you too.

• Don’t ignore your spouse or loved one.

Hopeful vs. Optimism

In the book “Good to Great,” author Jim Collins tells us a remarkable story about Admiral Jim Stockdale, the highest ranking U.S. military officer during the Vietnam War. Admiral Stockdale was severely tortured more than 20 times while being held captive for 8 years. 

During an interview for the book Collins asks Admiral Stockdale how was he able to survive the brutal torture and isolation while so many others didn’t. Admiral Stockdale explains that the ones who didn’t make it where the optimists. As he describes, those were the ones who after believing that they would be freed by a specific date, eventually gave up, and lost all hope. He, on the other hand, was a realist. He was going to survive no matter what the circumstances.

Collins’ point is that successful leaders confront the brutal facts of their reality, whatever that may be.  The author missed an important point, however. Those so called optimists who gave up after years under the terrible conditions may be described as heroes, but they were not necessarily optimists.  They relied on a false sense of hope that didn’t actualize for them. Consider this: no one can be hopeful forever.  The true optimists understand their reality but are convinced that they will make it – whatever that “it” is.

Having self confidence, optimism, and perseverance are essential ingredients for building an effective and strong network

Eating Alone

In the book “Never Eat Dinner Alone,” author Keith Ferrazzi asserts that we should never have a meal at a restaurant alone, especially when traveling.  By proactively reaching out to your network, Ferrazzi continues, you will maximize the power of the relationships and cultivate and grow the quality of the connections you make. He is right. But there’s one area he does not cover: each one of us must be comfortable with who we are and should not be afraid to be by ourselves.  There is nothing wrong in being alone.

The point is this: you should seek your friends not because you need them or fear being alone, but because you want to and enjoy their company. You should be at ease being alone. If you are, others are likely to join you. If you aren’t, you have work to do.

If you pass that simple test, then you’re ready to proceed and reach out to your friends and follow Ferrazzi’s advice. If you haven’t yet attempted having dinner at a restaurant alone, give it a try; you may want to start in the lounge areas where there is generally abundance of activity. You might surprise yourself at how relaxing and invigorating it can be.

Previous Articles from The Art & Science

Saying No without Feeling Guilty or Getting Sick  - September 24, 2007

Maximixing the Power of your Network - August 23, 2007

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Raymond Arroyo

Dr. Joxel García